Critical Race Theory Is About You, and All of Us
2 weeks ago
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Transitioning
As it says in my blog's header: change is guaranteed. As such, the way I view my career pursuits has changed and as a result - I won't be writing in this blog anymore. I'll still be writing, and if you want to keep up, please visit my new blog: Tricianess. My intent is for the blog to be conceptual combo of this blog and Tricia writes... so if you've enjoyed reading this blog, you might enjoy what you find on my new venture. Read the first post here. And thank you for reading!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Motivation.
This post is really just my way of gearing up for the re-do of the bar exam coming up in February. If you can get a lil something from what I write here, then I'm glad that I made this one public.
And in case you didn't know: I failed the exam in July. Since finding out my results, my friends, family and such have done all they could do to console me and encourage me for the next time - but I realize that the encouragement I really need is going to come from within.
It hasn't been easy since I found out I failed. Not too many tears shed but definitely questions flying around in my head about what to do differently this time, how to get it done, and, of course, whether I will fail again. I know I'm capable of passing the exam - and my score demonstrated that (got a 648 - needed a 665 to pass.) I fell short of the passing mark but not that short - and so I need to get myself to a place where I exceed 665. Overdoing it will get it done.
I've started going over my outlines of NY law and while some things are coming back to me - which is cool. But just now, as I was studying I found myself questioning whether I would be able to retain all this information by February 24 and demonstrate to the New York State Board of Law Examiners on that day, and the day after, that I am more than capable of being an attorney. So I stopped to write this post, to remind myself that
1. I know I'm capable of passing the bar exam and it's just a matter of getting it done.
2. While getting it done takes a tremendous amount of work, I survived it the first time around, and the second time around gives me the advantage of learning from past mistakes.
3. I wasn't put on the road to becoming an attorney without the ability to overcome something like having to take the exam again. Whatever is put to me to get done, I can get done.
4. God will provide the way for me to become the person I am to be in His own way and in His perfect timing.
5. No one ever said that changing the world would be easy!
Like I said already - I'm more than capable of getting this done. I just have to make it happen. Let me go see about doing that.
Some of my favorite motivating quotes:
The only thing that separates successful people from the ones who aren't is the willingness to work very, very hard.
-- Helen Gurley Brown
It is the nature of man to rise to greatness if greatness is expected of him.
-- John Steinbeck
The ways of the Lord are not comfortable, but we were not created for comfort, but for greatness, for good.
-- Pope Benedict XVI
You know what else I find motivating? Knowing that passing this exam really is just the beginning. There's more to come, God willing.
And in case you didn't know: I failed the exam in July. Since finding out my results, my friends, family and such have done all they could do to console me and encourage me for the next time - but I realize that the encouragement I really need is going to come from within.
It hasn't been easy since I found out I failed. Not too many tears shed but definitely questions flying around in my head about what to do differently this time, how to get it done, and, of course, whether I will fail again. I know I'm capable of passing the exam - and my score demonstrated that (got a 648 - needed a 665 to pass.) I fell short of the passing mark but not that short - and so I need to get myself to a place where I exceed 665. Overdoing it will get it done.
I've started going over my outlines of NY law and while some things are coming back to me - which is cool. But just now, as I was studying I found myself questioning whether I would be able to retain all this information by February 24 and demonstrate to the New York State Board of Law Examiners on that day, and the day after, that I am more than capable of being an attorney. So I stopped to write this post, to remind myself that
1. I know I'm capable of passing the bar exam and it's just a matter of getting it done.
2. While getting it done takes a tremendous amount of work, I survived it the first time around, and the second time around gives me the advantage of learning from past mistakes.
3. I wasn't put on the road to becoming an attorney without the ability to overcome something like having to take the exam again. Whatever is put to me to get done, I can get done.
4. God will provide the way for me to become the person I am to be in His own way and in His perfect timing.
5. No one ever said that changing the world would be easy!
Like I said already - I'm more than capable of getting this done. I just have to make it happen. Let me go see about doing that.
Some of my favorite motivating quotes:
The only thing that separates successful people from the ones who aren't is the willingness to work very, very hard.
-- Helen Gurley Brown
It is the nature of man to rise to greatness if greatness is expected of him.
-- John Steinbeck
The ways of the Lord are not comfortable, but we were not created for comfort, but for greatness, for good.
-- Pope Benedict XVI
You know what else I find motivating? Knowing that passing this exam really is just the beginning. There's more to come, God willing.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Lord provides!
For the last few hours of this Presidential campaign I decided I needed a break.
Getting up early to vote made me tired today
So it made sense to get away.
I kept the TV off.
I turned off my phone.
I ate and watched my favorite shows - online.
No news for a few hours.
No words about the election.
I ate, I watched my favorite shows and I also prayed
The sole prayer I've been praying all day:
That the Lord provides this nation with the leader it needs
to improve our condition.
I knew who I wanted to win - but the Lord knows best
and I put my trust, solely, and always in Him.
As my body drifted to sleep, my building ROARED and
Gun shots blared -
Telling me how God decided to answer my particular prayer:
Who so many of us wanted to win
Has been given His blessing.
And though I'm tired - I can't sleep now.
Because although it's the end of the campaign,
It's really just the beginning of change
For the betterment of the nation
For the Black American psyche -
Hell, for the American notions of Blackness
For the world's view of the United States
And for so much more that my mind can't fathom.
And the possibilities for the future have woken me up.
The Lord provides!
God bless the President-Elect.
Getting up early to vote made me tired today
So it made sense to get away.
I kept the TV off.
I turned off my phone.
I ate and watched my favorite shows - online.
No news for a few hours.
No words about the election.
I ate, I watched my favorite shows and I also prayed
The sole prayer I've been praying all day:
That the Lord provides this nation with the leader it needs
to improve our condition.
I knew who I wanted to win - but the Lord knows best
and I put my trust, solely, and always in Him.
As my body drifted to sleep, my building ROARED and
Gun shots blared -
Telling me how God decided to answer my particular prayer:
Who so many of us wanted to win
Has been given His blessing.
And though I'm tired - I can't sleep now.
Because although it's the end of the campaign,
It's really just the beginning of change
For the betterment of the nation
For the Black American psyche -
Hell, for the American notions of Blackness
For the world's view of the United States
And for so much more that my mind can't fathom.
And the possibilities for the future have woken me up.
The Lord provides!
God bless the President-Elect.
Monday, October 27, 2008
On A Tightrope.
With all that goes on in the world at any given time - particularly at this very critical time in our world - one of the few things we have to hold on to is hope. There's hope - but there's also faith and love. As far as I can tell, these three things are abundant in the world, yet it often feels as if a minority of us know anything about them.
I've been doing a whole lot of thinking about this for a few months now: the importance of faith, hope and love and how this relates to my spirituality. Truly, I've grown in leaps and bounds over the past few months spiritually - and I've never felt better about things. My spiritual growth - brought about by having to grapple with difficult life issues - seems to have brought about growth in my faith, my love, and my hope. And until tonight, I didn't quite understand how spiritual growth exactly impacted my faith, my love, and my hope.
So I thank God for the article by Dr. Cornel West in the latest issue of Essence Magazine. He has this book out called Hope on a Tightrope - something which is HIGH on the to-read list after reading his insights on faith hope and love as the three pillars of deep spirituality. I was so moved by his writing - particularly this piece:
Spirituality gives us armor to cope with disaster. The three pillars of spirituality are faith, hope and love - yet it is courage that enables all three. Faith enables us to face the future - including inescapable catastrophes - with humility and generosity. Yet there is no faith without the courage to be humble. Hope empowers us to stay on the tightrope despite winds and storms of catastrophes. Yet there is no hope without the courage to fight despair. Love ennobles us to maintain a steadfast commitment to the well-being of someone or some cause greater than our own petty ego. Yet there is no love without the courage to surrender to something more priceless than yourself.Courage enables faith, hope and love - and these are the elements, I suppose, of spirituality. It makes complete sense with what I've been experiencing. Dr. West also says that "deep and mature spirituality is rooted in a wrestling with catastrophe." This speaks directly to what I've been experiencing - and also, speaks directly to what I believe our country and our people are experiencing. I'm walking on a tightrope through life right now - the wrong steps could be disastrous for me - but I walk with hope that I will make it through (I'm not sure if that's what Dr. West means when he talks of hope on a tightrope, but that's how I'm gonna run with it!) and with faith that God won't let me fall - and love - for myself, for my God, and for those who come through with a safety net if I need it! Dr. West had his own tightrope - his cancer diagnosis - and he reflects:
But I refused to let death come in like a thief in the night and steal my joy I had already given and received.... To be human means choosing the courage to think, love, hope and fight for justice and freedom in the face of catastrophe. Death could come, because I had made my choice.Mmmm. Read that article in the latest Essence (on the very last page)! Reminds me that as a people, Americans also have the courage to think, love, hope and fight for justice and freedom in the face of catastrophe. It is our choice - and it's not just about who we choose to lead our nation - but our choice to have the courage to do what is right in the name of justice and freedom and the betterment of our nation. Who we choose to lead - and what that leader does - is important but this is a choice to be courageous enough to take individual action outside of polling booths. How many of us have this courage? How many of us will make the choice?
The blessed thing about having faith, hope and love is that the future never appears bleak. The past has passed and every moment we experience, good or bad, is our present but the future - when one is armed with faith, hope and love - is nothing but full of possibility. Things will change in our nation - it's inevitable - but we have the power to make the days to come days that will bring our nation in a positive direction.
I really just felt the need to share what I read today and all the thoughts swirling in my head about it. I have this other blog post about my issues with the "plus size" phenomenon coming next - thought that would be the next post in this blog - but I had to get this out now!
Here's more of Dr. West on The Colbert Report talking about hope and our nation on a tightrope.
Monday, October 13, 2008
On originality.
Ododo Originals: Morning, Sunshine. $16. Isn't it pretty?So just a bit of self promotion: I just wrote a piece on originality - and it totally relates to the pretty pretty hair clip above. Check it out.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Getting back to being me (The "If I Had A Job Wishlist")
September was a ROUGH month for me. Mentally decompressing from the bar exam plus stressing out about not having a job (a lovely combo of struggling to accept my lack of employment plus worrying about how I'd pay my bills) plus a lack of structure to my days equaled a horrible month! Last month was a low point but the eventual consequence of dealing with back to back major stressors for months - first finals, then studying for the bar exam, then taking the bar exam, then searching for a job and worrying about money - and these things distracted me from my loves: writing, reading, music (listening to, reading about, etc.) and SHOPPING!
As I am strapped for cash (much like the rest of the country - I know) of course I'm not shopping. But I've let that fact keep me from window shopping - my second favorite fashion activity. I've always liked thinking about clothes/shoes/accessories I'd like to own, putting together looks - starting when I played with cutout dolls as a little girl. If I had a job that paid me well, these are the things I'd be buying for this season*:
Outerwear:
Old Navy Women's Plus: Wool Blend Trench Coat - here in Heather Grey, also available in Black. $92.
People sleep on Old Navy in terms of offering great style but I think this piece is a good example of why people - particularly plus size women - should pay attention. It's a great price, very affordable for those of us who are paid well. It's also a classic, clean cut sort of coat - this is the kind of cut that would be flattering on me. Heather grey is one of my favorite neutrals - the color is great! This is great coat to wear with all those suits I'd have to wear to work...
Old Navy Women's Plus: Wool Blend Belted Coat - here in Green Envy, also available in Black. $82.
Another great piece from Old Navy's Women's Plus line! I am not a big fan of the three-quarter sleeve coat trend (it's not practical and it can look a bit odd on some) but I will make an exception for this pretty pretty green piece of coat! I love it! (Green is my favorite color.) Also the belted look is a good look for me - I look better when my waist is accentuated - as do most women, I think.
Wear to Work:
I have a few suits already but with a new job, I'll need to update the ol' work wardrobe, for sure:
Lane Bryant: Knit Dress with Jaquard Jacket Set. $89.50.
This is a great look for the workplace! It's basic but not boring (thanks to the jacquard print jacket), it's comfortable and also made up of two very versatile pieces. The jacket can definitely be work with a basic top and bottom - and the knit dress is cute enough to be worn by itself (with the right accessories it would work for an afterwork event) or with another cardigan or jacket. I love suits that are mix and matchable.
Kiyonna: Alexa Sateen Blazer & Alexa Pleated Skirt. $128 & $92, respectively.
Sateen isn't typically something I'd try to rock to work but I would totally make an exception for this suit - preferably on a Friday. It's too cute!
And I'm LOVING the heels the model is wearing with the suit! They'd be a good look with this next piece:
Kiyonna: Juliet Wrap Dress - here in Prissy Purple, also available in Black and Tickled Teal. $128.
I love a good wrap dress - form fitting where I need it to fit, flowy where I need it to flow, and it works in all kinds of settings. For work, this would be a good with a white button down collared shirt underneath - and afterwork, take off the shirt, put on some hot heels like the ones above and I'm good to go!
Wear to Play:
All work and no play makes for a very dull girl - and since I'm far from dull, I think the play clothes deserve the same attention as the work clothes:
Old Navy: Women's Princess Sleeve Sweaters - here in Pink Stripe, many varieties available. $29.50.
Ok so I actually own this sweater - saw it in the store, walked away from it (budgetary concerns, you know) and found myself just thinking about it and thinking about it... so I got it and it was worth it! It's super cute on me. There's a green stripe option to this sweater that's just as cute but something about the sweater called to me... and so I answered. I also like that I could possibly wear it to work (layered with a collared shirt underneath) - which is how I justified my purchase! This would look fab with these chocolate brown knee-high boots I own and maybe a cute denim skirt, like this:
Torrid: High Waisted Denim Pencil Skirt. $38.
I have to say that I'm not impressed with the way the skirt fits the model but I know that with my curves, this pencil skirt would work! The cut always fits me well and in dark denim I don't think I could go wrong here.
Shoes:
For me, shoe shopping in the fall is really BOOT shopping...
Payless: Shelby Tall Stretch Boot. $44.99.
Sexy sexy! Not too many shoes beat a sleek, simple stretch knee boot. I have so many outfits with which this will go well...
Bronx Nazza - here in Pond, also available in Black. Found on Piperlime.com for $235.
These look extra comfy and are that shade of grey I love - or are they green? I imagine this is one of those items that might look a bit different in person. Grey or green I don't think I'd mind them - they're hot! Bronx makes great shoes.
Coclico Obama Boot. $535.
These are beautifully crafted boots - and they better be for $535! But they're named after Obama? I guess you rock these babies and everyone will know that YES, YOU CAN! I'm loving the heel and the cognac brown color. No shocker that Piperlime has them marked as a "best seller."
I let go of an important part of who I am during the past few months but I feel like that I'm slowly getting back to being me. I think it's important to keep on doing the things you love regardless of whatever's going on in life. I haven't online window shopped like this in a long time - I haven't really sat and thought about wearing new things or explored what was going on in fashion the way I used to explore. I was way too distracted with being troubled by my troubles but no more of that! This blog was so much fun to write - it definitely helped me feel a bit better. I hope you enjoyed it too.
*The images used in this post are deemed to be the property of the owners of the brands associated with the images, and are being used solely for informational purposes. If you are the owner of these images and take issue with their use, please contact me and I will gladly address your concerns. Thank you.
As I am strapped for cash (much like the rest of the country - I know) of course I'm not shopping. But I've let that fact keep me from window shopping - my second favorite fashion activity. I've always liked thinking about clothes/shoes/accessories I'd like to own, putting together looks - starting when I played with cutout dolls as a little girl. If I had a job that paid me well, these are the things I'd be buying for this season*:
Outerwear:
Old Navy Women's Plus: Wool Blend Trench Coat - here in Heather Grey, also available in Black. $92.People sleep on Old Navy in terms of offering great style but I think this piece is a good example of why people - particularly plus size women - should pay attention. It's a great price, very affordable for those of us who are paid well. It's also a classic, clean cut sort of coat - this is the kind of cut that would be flattering on me. Heather grey is one of my favorite neutrals - the color is great! This is great coat to wear with all those suits I'd have to wear to work...
Old Navy Women's Plus: Wool Blend Belted Coat - here in Green Envy, also available in Black. $82.Another great piece from Old Navy's Women's Plus line! I am not a big fan of the three-quarter sleeve coat trend (it's not practical and it can look a bit odd on some) but I will make an exception for this pretty pretty green piece of coat! I love it! (Green is my favorite color.) Also the belted look is a good look for me - I look better when my waist is accentuated - as do most women, I think.
Wear to Work:
I have a few suits already but with a new job, I'll need to update the ol' work wardrobe, for sure:
Lane Bryant: Knit Dress with Jaquard Jacket Set. $89.50.This is a great look for the workplace! It's basic but not boring (thanks to the jacquard print jacket), it's comfortable and also made up of two very versatile pieces. The jacket can definitely be work with a basic top and bottom - and the knit dress is cute enough to be worn by itself (with the right accessories it would work for an afterwork event) or with another cardigan or jacket. I love suits that are mix and matchable.
Kiyonna: Alexa Sateen Blazer & Alexa Pleated Skirt. $128 & $92, respectively. Sateen isn't typically something I'd try to rock to work but I would totally make an exception for this suit - preferably on a Friday. It's too cute!
And I'm LOVING the heels the model is wearing with the suit! They'd be a good look with this next piece:
Kiyonna: Juliet Wrap Dress - here in Prissy Purple, also available in Black and Tickled Teal. $128.I love a good wrap dress - form fitting where I need it to fit, flowy where I need it to flow, and it works in all kinds of settings. For work, this would be a good with a white button down collared shirt underneath - and afterwork, take off the shirt, put on some hot heels like the ones above and I'm good to go!
Wear to Play:
All work and no play makes for a very dull girl - and since I'm far from dull, I think the play clothes deserve the same attention as the work clothes:
Old Navy: Women's Princess Sleeve Sweaters - here in Pink Stripe, many varieties available. $29.50.Ok so I actually own this sweater - saw it in the store, walked away from it (budgetary concerns, you know) and found myself just thinking about it and thinking about it... so I got it and it was worth it! It's super cute on me. There's a green stripe option to this sweater that's just as cute but something about the sweater called to me... and so I answered. I also like that I could possibly wear it to work (layered with a collared shirt underneath) - which is how I justified my purchase! This would look fab with these chocolate brown knee-high boots I own and maybe a cute denim skirt, like this:
Torrid: High Waisted Denim Pencil Skirt. $38.I have to say that I'm not impressed with the way the skirt fits the model but I know that with my curves, this pencil skirt would work! The cut always fits me well and in dark denim I don't think I could go wrong here.
Shoes:
For me, shoe shopping in the fall is really BOOT shopping...
Payless: Shelby Tall Stretch Boot. $44.99.Sexy sexy! Not too many shoes beat a sleek, simple stretch knee boot. I have so many outfits with which this will go well...
Bronx Nazza - here in Pond, also available in Black. Found on Piperlime.com for $235.These look extra comfy and are that shade of grey I love - or are they green? I imagine this is one of those items that might look a bit different in person. Grey or green I don't think I'd mind them - they're hot! Bronx makes great shoes.
Coclico Obama Boot. $535.These are beautifully crafted boots - and they better be for $535! But they're named after Obama? I guess you rock these babies and everyone will know that YES, YOU CAN! I'm loving the heel and the cognac brown color. No shocker that Piperlime has them marked as a "best seller."
I let go of an important part of who I am during the past few months but I feel like that I'm slowly getting back to being me. I think it's important to keep on doing the things you love regardless of whatever's going on in life. I haven't online window shopped like this in a long time - I haven't really sat and thought about wearing new things or explored what was going on in fashion the way I used to explore. I was way too distracted with being troubled by my troubles but no more of that! This blog was so much fun to write - it definitely helped me feel a bit better. I hope you enjoyed it too.
*The images used in this post are deemed to be the property of the owners of the brands associated with the images, and are being used solely for informational purposes. If you are the owner of these images and take issue with their use, please contact me and I will gladly address your concerns. Thank you.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Liberation
Last week Thursday I applied for a policy analyst position with a great employer. Friday I got an email from them asking me to come in for an interview. Monday I interviewed and yesterday afternoon, I received a very cordial rejection email. When I consider the speed with which everything happened, I can't help but to wonder at the idea that I could have been hired for a new and pretty damn great job within the same week of interviewing!
Why can't it be that easy?
They say that anything worth earning is worth struggling for. I believe it - but I don't believe that just because something is worth a struggle means that I should actually have to struggle for it. Thus far in my life, however, if it's worth a struggle, I end up struggling for it. And I'm tired of it - especially when it comes to the job hunt.
I get a daily email of quotes from an organization called Abraham-Hicks. (I highly recommend perusing the website, especially if you're a believer in the power of the law of attraction.) One of the emails sent to me this week was this brief quote from one of their seminars:
It's the law of attraction at work. Great minds and not so great minds (like me) understand that our mindset shapes our reality. Sometimes the impact of our mindset is obvious and sometimes its not so obvious - but your view of the world will shape your world.
After receiving the rejection yesterday, I sat for a bit and considered the timeline of events with this particular job and it hit me: if it is that easy for me to be rejected then it is that easy for me to be hired! Of course there are factors in play that are beyond my control that will work against me: the job market, the economy and my competition being the biggest factors. But I have plenty to counter against those factors: my skills, my experience, my degree, and most importantly (in my opinion) my PERSONALITY. (In case you didn't know, I'm pretty fabulous. And who doesn't like fabulous?) I didn't get the position but there was someone, maybe even a few people, who actually got the job and got it as easily and swiftly as I got rejected. Who am I to say that sort of fortune doesn't await me? It can be that easy - and clearly, it was that easy for someone!
I think struggle is important and even necessary at times for true success. We wouldn't really appreciate what we've been given if we got it handed to us - some things just ought to be worked for, like weight loss, or a writing career. Working for it usually means that there are lessons to be learned in the process that will help us grow and maintain or further our success. But there are some things, like landing my first job out of law school, that do not necessarily require struggle to be accomplished - there are some equally as talented and gifted who don't go through a whole lot to accomplish this - and there are some who take awhile to get there. I've stopped questioning the difficulties, however. I've learned some lessons here too - and there may be more for me to learn. I have come to see as a result of this most recent rejection that I can make my experiences as positive or as negative and as difficult or as easy as I want them to be. I am in control of how my experiences impact my life - my view of the world shapes my world. And I feel liberated.
(And I would have never guessed that I would have gotten all that from being rejected!)
P.S. Liberation aside, I STILL can't help but to wonder how much longer I'll have to actually hunt...
Why can't it be that easy?
They say that anything worth earning is worth struggling for. I believe it - but I don't believe that just because something is worth a struggle means that I should actually have to struggle for it. Thus far in my life, however, if it's worth a struggle, I end up struggling for it. And I'm tired of it - especially when it comes to the job hunt.
I get a daily email of quotes from an organization called Abraham-Hicks. (I highly recommend perusing the website, especially if you're a believer in the power of the law of attraction.) One of the emails sent to me this week was this brief quote from one of their seminars:
Most of you do not believe that it is your natural state of being to be well.This gave me SO much to think about! Whoever said this was right - at least about most of the people I know. There are so many of us who don't believe that our natural state is a state of well-being - that what's natural is to suffer, whether the suffering is physical, emotional, financial or mental. And up until I read that solitary line I'd say that I too, didn't believe that my natural state of being is a state of well being in ALL aspects of my life. What the hell was wrong with me? Particularly when it comes to job hunting, my belief was ALWAYS that job hunting is supposed to be this sufferable, arduous task of indefinite duration, that my financial situation would be in jeopardy and might even become critical as a result of failures to secure a job within a certain time period. And what has been my situation? I've been job hunting and it's been sufferable and arduous with an end not currently in sight. My financial situation has gone beyond being in jeopardy and is now critical. Surprise surprise.
It's the law of attraction at work. Great minds and not so great minds (like me) understand that our mindset shapes our reality. Sometimes the impact of our mindset is obvious and sometimes its not so obvious - but your view of the world will shape your world.
After receiving the rejection yesterday, I sat for a bit and considered the timeline of events with this particular job and it hit me: if it is that easy for me to be rejected then it is that easy for me to be hired! Of course there are factors in play that are beyond my control that will work against me: the job market, the economy and my competition being the biggest factors. But I have plenty to counter against those factors: my skills, my experience, my degree, and most importantly (in my opinion) my PERSONALITY. (In case you didn't know, I'm pretty fabulous. And who doesn't like fabulous?) I didn't get the position but there was someone, maybe even a few people, who actually got the job and got it as easily and swiftly as I got rejected. Who am I to say that sort of fortune doesn't await me? It can be that easy - and clearly, it was that easy for someone!
I think struggle is important and even necessary at times for true success. We wouldn't really appreciate what we've been given if we got it handed to us - some things just ought to be worked for, like weight loss, or a writing career. Working for it usually means that there are lessons to be learned in the process that will help us grow and maintain or further our success. But there are some things, like landing my first job out of law school, that do not necessarily require struggle to be accomplished - there are some equally as talented and gifted who don't go through a whole lot to accomplish this - and there are some who take awhile to get there. I've stopped questioning the difficulties, however. I've learned some lessons here too - and there may be more for me to learn. I have come to see as a result of this most recent rejection that I can make my experiences as positive or as negative and as difficult or as easy as I want them to be. I am in control of how my experiences impact my life - my view of the world shapes my world. And I feel liberated.
(And I would have never guessed that I would have gotten all that from being rejected!)
P.S. Liberation aside, I STILL can't help but to wonder how much longer I'll have to actually hunt...
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
I finally wrote something!
I have been creatively stagnant for the past few months - until tonight. I finally wrote something! Please check it out - and feel free to let me know what you think. Something tells me that I will probably edit it soon.
For the past few months I have been so out of it. I have not been myself - it's been so bad that I haven't even felt like writing, creative and non-creative. I'm thankful for this moment though. I'm feeling much better than I have for some time.
A blog on stress and depression might be coming. Or maybe on the job hunt. There's so much to write about.
For the past few months I have been so out of it. I have not been myself - it's been so bad that I haven't even felt like writing, creative and non-creative. I'm thankful for this moment though. I'm feeling much better than I have for some time.
A blog on stress and depression might be coming. Or maybe on the job hunt. There's so much to write about.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Thankful
Earlier today, I had an exchange with someone that showed me how much I've grown.
Who this person was, my relationship with the person and what was particularly said isn't important. What's important to know is that the person insulted me in a way that would offend anyone of average sensibility - maybe even those who are less sensitive than most. What's also important - and the indicator of my growth - was my response: "Thank you."
Preceding the thank you and following the insult was a very brief assessment of my mind state. You know, the first reaction is usually the right one - indicative of what needs to be done or said, of how you genuinely feel. And what I felt was an immensely positive feeling. And so I thanked the person.
Even as I write this I think it's a bit odd how everything went down. I know the insulter thought so as well - indicated by looking at me like I was odd and then subsequently shrinking away. I think its odd that my initial feeling was so positive - afterward I felt a bit of anger and a bit saddened that this person - who really should be the last person to insult me or call me a name - acted in this way. But this isn't a new situation with this particular person - it's rather old - and something I've had trouble walking away from due to the nature of our relationship. It's also not new to me that this person is incredibly negative. But what I've come to realize, as I assess the situation, is that I've learned how to respond to negativity with positivity. For me, that's huge!
About five years ago I experienced something that ultimately lead to me to deciding to love myself a bit more. From that, a lot of other changes came about, including a revamping of my mindset - from the negative and the positive. I feel like I'm still experiencing the revamp, but it's gotten easier. I feel like the more I seek positivity the more that it finds me in unexpected ways. Just goes to show that being focused on a particular thing tends to attract more of it your life. Your mindset shapes your reality, you know? Still, I have negative experiences, like anyone else, but I find that I'm able to flip the negative into the positive a whole lot easier now than I used to. Just goes to show that the more you do something, the easier it gets!
But before tonight, I've never responded with positivity in the face of negativity so instantaneously. It's a blessing. I am truly thankful for the experience.
More about loving yourself, later.
Who this person was, my relationship with the person and what was particularly said isn't important. What's important to know is that the person insulted me in a way that would offend anyone of average sensibility - maybe even those who are less sensitive than most. What's also important - and the indicator of my growth - was my response: "Thank you."
Preceding the thank you and following the insult was a very brief assessment of my mind state. You know, the first reaction is usually the right one - indicative of what needs to be done or said, of how you genuinely feel. And what I felt was an immensely positive feeling. And so I thanked the person.
Even as I write this I think it's a bit odd how everything went down. I know the insulter thought so as well - indicated by looking at me like I was odd and then subsequently shrinking away. I think its odd that my initial feeling was so positive - afterward I felt a bit of anger and a bit saddened that this person - who really should be the last person to insult me or call me a name - acted in this way. But this isn't a new situation with this particular person - it's rather old - and something I've had trouble walking away from due to the nature of our relationship. It's also not new to me that this person is incredibly negative. But what I've come to realize, as I assess the situation, is that I've learned how to respond to negativity with positivity. For me, that's huge!
About five years ago I experienced something that ultimately lead to me to deciding to love myself a bit more. From that, a lot of other changes came about, including a revamping of my mindset - from the negative and the positive. I feel like I'm still experiencing the revamp, but it's gotten easier. I feel like the more I seek positivity the more that it finds me in unexpected ways. Just goes to show that being focused on a particular thing tends to attract more of it your life. Your mindset shapes your reality, you know? Still, I have negative experiences, like anyone else, but I find that I'm able to flip the negative into the positive a whole lot easier now than I used to. Just goes to show that the more you do something, the easier it gets!
But before tonight, I've never responded with positivity in the face of negativity so instantaneously. It's a blessing. I am truly thankful for the experience.
More about loving yourself, later.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Quarterlife Crisis Resolution
"Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?"
It's a question commonly asked by those of us afflicted by the quarterlife crisis and can be made to apply to just about every area of the quarterlifer's existence. (For ex: Do I really want to marry this fool? Why haven't I moved out my mama's house yet? Was this degree really worth being $100,000 in debt?) In my circle the permutation of this question usually pertains to our careers: Did I pick the right one(s)? What career suits me best? And my particularly favorite question:
"What path should I be taking with my chosen career?"
You see, I have been fortunate to know my passion since the first grade. Since then, I've known that I loved to write and I loved to help and whatever I did when I grew up would involve either one, or both. And so for approximately two decades I've been slowly figuring out just what those two career choices meant:
1988: I had chicken pox - and my pediatrician was so nice and helpful that I thought it would be great to be one. This is also the year when I wrote my first story. It was about a girl named Mary and a boy named Mark. I also started to keep a journal at this age - it helped me cope with the unfortunate drama inflicted on me during this time. I wrote in my little red and blue notebook a lot.
1996-2000: 9th grade biology - as easily as it came to me - told me that my destiny did not lie in medicine. I took my first creative writing class in the 10th grade - and loved it. I took AP Psychology in the 11th grade and Psychology replaced my dreams of being a pediatrician. In the 12th grade did really well in AP English - and loved the combination of literature and in-depth analysis. I also took a class in Constitutional law. It was interesting - especially when we studied the Brown v. Board of Education case.
2002: Two years of college in and I had finally picked my major/minor pursuits - an English and Journalism double major, Political Science minor. Maybe a month or so after finally making the choice - during the summer - I was inspired to be an attorney. Thank Jonathan Harr and whoever decided to sell a New York Public Library book for that one. I picked up A Civil Action in front of this used book store for a dollar, because it stood out (it was HUGE and also was clearly marked with a Dewey decimal number) and seemed like it'd be great summer reading. Three quarters of the way in, I knew I was meant to do what Jan Schlictmann did for those people: empower them to fight against forces that seemed great - help them in a way they couldn't help themselves by virtue of his skill and abilities as an attorney (even though they didn't quite get all they wanted.) Attorneys have a tremendous power to affect social change if their skills are used with the right intention (if you aren't convinced of this, I refer you to the story of Mr. and Mrs. Obama.). Reading about what Schlictmann did for Woburn, MA (even after I read the somewhat disappointing end of their story) spoke directly to my passion to help those who need it.
Little did I know that A Civil Action is often assigned in 1L Civil Procedure classes (including my own when I finally got to law school) - not for the reasons that inspired me, but because Harr does an EXCELLENT job of describing trial procedure. Not for nothing - but I was intrigued by his detailed description of the entire trial procedure too - as boring and drawn out as it can be. What kind of attorney would I be if I didn't care about details?
2004: By my senior year of college I figured that my writing career was not destined find my name end up as a byline in someone's publication. Maybe it was the program I was in - but I was MUCH more interested in the Media Studies aspect of my Journalism/Media Studies major. I took a class in Communication Law and LOVED the copyright segment of the class - especially the cases involving entertainers. I also took an Africana Studies class involving race and the law and we studied Brown v. Board of Education there also. Learning of the work the NAACP did with education cases to chip away at segregation in the United States further inspired me to pursue a career in the law. So when I went into law school, I had in mind that I would check out entertainment law and civil rights law, along with immigration (As a first generation American I felt I had a duty to study immigration law!)
2007: I managed to not write one creatively inspired word for the first two and a half years of law school - with the exception of a poem I wrote for the boyfriend I had during that time. I loved him when I wrote it - but by the third week of 2007, I had enough of his bullsh*t and dumped him. About a month later I met someone who eventually ended up providing inspiration to get back into writing. It was divine intervention for sure. It started with him - and then I kept meeting people who pushed me to write. I started writing Tricia writes... and decided to make my writing a serious career pursuit. Late this year, when the taxicab drivers in NYC went on strike, I discovered that I had a thing for labor and employment law.
2008: I graduated from law school. I took the bar exam. So now I'm on pins and needles waiting for the results and I'm job hunting. My resume is all over the place in terms of experience in areas of the law. I started the year not really sure about what area of the law I wanted to practice - by this time I accumulated a number of areas of interest. You just don't KNOW how freaking annoying it was to be asked: "What area of the law is/will be your specialty?" It's a fair question - especially when it comes from someone who is either an employer or is helping me get employment - but I still hated it! An old friend of high school asked the question week before last Friday - I responded by telling him that I didn't have a preference - and then he asked:
"What's your passion?"
That was the right question for him to ask. It was stuck in my head ever since. What is my passion? Isn't that what lead me to the law in the first place?
I struggled with that question the weekend after. The quarterlife crisis beat me up HARD last week - thanks in great part to the question. Whenever I thought about it, I would see a picture in my mind of a clearly defined path painted in yellow. I wasn't sure if I was actually standing on that path, however, because in front of me was a fog. I could see the yellow path beyond the fog but couldn't find my way too it. All I knew is that I wasn't very far away. This image ate me up every time it came to mind - and the frustration was only encouraged by the job hunt. It's hard to look for a job when you don't know exactly what you want to find!
Thankfully, the fog is beginning to fade.
Last Monday I had a meeting with my new career counselor. After reviewing my resume, she asked me that annoying yet understandable question and the word "Government" flew out of my mouth. The response was pure instinct. Working for the government was, until that day, just one of the many areas I could see myself going into but it felt right as it flew out of my mouth. She was also surprised because I have NO previous government experience (Why not pick one of the many areas represented on my resume?) As I talked to her the idea of being a public servant via the government made PERFECT sense. Why didn't I see that before? The only problem with that question is that there are many areas of the government in which I could work. I went home after my meeting feeling sick (for unrelated reasons) and foggy. Working for the government felt (and still feels) right but for what agency?
Later that night, I was sitting watching the news in front of my laptop, with webpage open to Facebook - I wasn't doing anything particular on the site until I heard the "pop" sound of a Facebook IM. It was a friend of a friend, asking me to vote for his organization on ideablob.com. I had seen something about this ideablob contest on his page before - never really checked it out - so I decided to help him out. I voted and upon reading about his organization's purpose I was inspired to help promote it somehow - so I posted the contest and his organization's link on my page. I thoughth for a bit about the great work that his organization does - and that every educator that genuinely cares about the education of our youth does. And then the fog got that much lighter.
It's my belief that I would not be much of anything in this world if not for my education. I have been blessed to receive a tremendous amount of education in a country that doesn't do too much to allow for someone in my statistical category (black, female, child of an immigrant, from a lower socioeconomic community, raised in a single parent household) to receive a quality education, much less to pursue a doctorate. But by God's grace, showered upon me through teachers I've had at every level of my educational career, I've managed to accomplish quite a bit and have been given the tools to accomplish so much more. I'm thankful for all the opportunities I've received and it was in high school that I decided that at some point in my life, I would have to do something to help others from communities like mine receive the same opportunities to a quality education. Why should one's educational options be dictated by where they live or what their parents do for a living?
And that's my longwinded way of saying that I want to work in education law. The truth: I don't even know a whole lot about education law just yet but I'm in the process of figuring it out. I also realize that going back to school may just be in order. Maybe. I haven't worked the details out yet but I know that I desire my career in the law to effect change in our country's broken educational system.
Sunday morning's sermon spoke to my quarterlife career issues. The message: before we were born, God ordained a purpose for each and every one of us. Also, He gave us the gift of free will - so it is up to us to walk on the path God has set out for us. The problem: how do we know that we are walking on His path? The solution: you have to walk in faith (generally) and that faith includes faith that you are walking in the path He set out for you. An indicator that you are pursuing the purpose God intended for you is feeling passion for what you are pursuing. (I had a total "Aha!" moment when I heard the minister say that!). Knowing your passion is helpful to knowing your purpose and for me, the key to resolving this particular quarterlife crisis.
The problem: not everyone knows their passion. Many people in the quarterlife just don't know what they're passionate about - and may feel that they aren't passionate about anything. The solution: One suggestion from this ABC News article is to consider what you'd want to do if you won the lottery and money wasn't an issue. I think that tactic could be helpful, but I'd also add that one struggling with the question of their passion should look to do things they find interesting, even if it isn't related to whatever it is they currently do to make money. An interest, if it's nurtured, could grow into a passion.
The truth: I've written all that I've written not so much because I care for you, dear reader, to know about my quarterlife crisis but because writing this has helped me sort out my path up until this point and where I need to go next. One thing I have learned just by writing this out is how different areas of my life interact in ways I could never anticipate - for example, had I not broken up with my ex-boyfriend, I would have never met my friend who helped inspire me back to writing. (We aren't romantic but with the way things happened, I couldn't have met him if I didn't break up with my ex.) You just never know how changes in one area of your life can impact the other areas.
So while I'm still very much immersed in my quarterlife crises, my career crisis at least appears to be on its way to resolution. Thank God for the changes made, the blessings bestowed and those to come. And thank you so very much for reading! (I know, I know... it was long.)
It's a question commonly asked by those of us afflicted by the quarterlife crisis and can be made to apply to just about every area of the quarterlifer's existence. (For ex: Do I really want to marry this fool? Why haven't I moved out my mama's house yet? Was this degree really worth being $100,000 in debt?) In my circle the permutation of this question usually pertains to our careers: Did I pick the right one(s)? What career suits me best? And my particularly favorite question:
"What path should I be taking with my chosen career?"
You see, I have been fortunate to know my passion since the first grade. Since then, I've known that I loved to write and I loved to help and whatever I did when I grew up would involve either one, or both. And so for approximately two decades I've been slowly figuring out just what those two career choices meant:
1988: I had chicken pox - and my pediatrician was so nice and helpful that I thought it would be great to be one. This is also the year when I wrote my first story. It was about a girl named Mary and a boy named Mark. I also started to keep a journal at this age - it helped me cope with the unfortunate drama inflicted on me during this time. I wrote in my little red and blue notebook a lot.
1996-2000: 9th grade biology - as easily as it came to me - told me that my destiny did not lie in medicine. I took my first creative writing class in the 10th grade - and loved it. I took AP Psychology in the 11th grade and Psychology replaced my dreams of being a pediatrician. In the 12th grade did really well in AP English - and loved the combination of literature and in-depth analysis. I also took a class in Constitutional law. It was interesting - especially when we studied the Brown v. Board of Education case.
2002: Two years of college in and I had finally picked my major/minor pursuits - an English and Journalism double major, Political Science minor. Maybe a month or so after finally making the choice - during the summer - I was inspired to be an attorney. Thank Jonathan Harr and whoever decided to sell a New York Public Library book for that one. I picked up A Civil Action in front of this used book store for a dollar, because it stood out (it was HUGE and also was clearly marked with a Dewey decimal number) and seemed like it'd be great summer reading. Three quarters of the way in, I knew I was meant to do what Jan Schlictmann did for those people: empower them to fight against forces that seemed great - help them in a way they couldn't help themselves by virtue of his skill and abilities as an attorney (even though they didn't quite get all they wanted.) Attorneys have a tremendous power to affect social change if their skills are used with the right intention (if you aren't convinced of this, I refer you to the story of Mr. and Mrs. Obama.). Reading about what Schlictmann did for Woburn, MA (even after I read the somewhat disappointing end of their story) spoke directly to my passion to help those who need it.
Little did I know that A Civil Action is often assigned in 1L Civil Procedure classes (including my own when I finally got to law school) - not for the reasons that inspired me, but because Harr does an EXCELLENT job of describing trial procedure. Not for nothing - but I was intrigued by his detailed description of the entire trial procedure too - as boring and drawn out as it can be. What kind of attorney would I be if I didn't care about details?
2004: By my senior year of college I figured that my writing career was not destined find my name end up as a byline in someone's publication. Maybe it was the program I was in - but I was MUCH more interested in the Media Studies aspect of my Journalism/Media Studies major. I took a class in Communication Law and LOVED the copyright segment of the class - especially the cases involving entertainers. I also took an Africana Studies class involving race and the law and we studied Brown v. Board of Education there also. Learning of the work the NAACP did with education cases to chip away at segregation in the United States further inspired me to pursue a career in the law. So when I went into law school, I had in mind that I would check out entertainment law and civil rights law, along with immigration (As a first generation American I felt I had a duty to study immigration law!)
2007: I managed to not write one creatively inspired word for the first two and a half years of law school - with the exception of a poem I wrote for the boyfriend I had during that time. I loved him when I wrote it - but by the third week of 2007, I had enough of his bullsh*t and dumped him. About a month later I met someone who eventually ended up providing inspiration to get back into writing. It was divine intervention for sure. It started with him - and then I kept meeting people who pushed me to write. I started writing Tricia writes... and decided to make my writing a serious career pursuit. Late this year, when the taxicab drivers in NYC went on strike, I discovered that I had a thing for labor and employment law.
2008: I graduated from law school. I took the bar exam. So now I'm on pins and needles waiting for the results and I'm job hunting. My resume is all over the place in terms of experience in areas of the law. I started the year not really sure about what area of the law I wanted to practice - by this time I accumulated a number of areas of interest. You just don't KNOW how freaking annoying it was to be asked: "What area of the law is/will be your specialty?" It's a fair question - especially when it comes from someone who is either an employer or is helping me get employment - but I still hated it! An old friend of high school asked the question week before last Friday - I responded by telling him that I didn't have a preference - and then he asked:
"What's your passion?"
That was the right question for him to ask. It was stuck in my head ever since. What is my passion? Isn't that what lead me to the law in the first place?
I struggled with that question the weekend after. The quarterlife crisis beat me up HARD last week - thanks in great part to the question. Whenever I thought about it, I would see a picture in my mind of a clearly defined path painted in yellow. I wasn't sure if I was actually standing on that path, however, because in front of me was a fog. I could see the yellow path beyond the fog but couldn't find my way too it. All I knew is that I wasn't very far away. This image ate me up every time it came to mind - and the frustration was only encouraged by the job hunt. It's hard to look for a job when you don't know exactly what you want to find!
Thankfully, the fog is beginning to fade.
Last Monday I had a meeting with my new career counselor. After reviewing my resume, she asked me that annoying yet understandable question and the word "Government" flew out of my mouth. The response was pure instinct. Working for the government was, until that day, just one of the many areas I could see myself going into but it felt right as it flew out of my mouth. She was also surprised because I have NO previous government experience (Why not pick one of the many areas represented on my resume?) As I talked to her the idea of being a public servant via the government made PERFECT sense. Why didn't I see that before? The only problem with that question is that there are many areas of the government in which I could work. I went home after my meeting feeling sick (for unrelated reasons) and foggy. Working for the government felt (and still feels) right but for what agency?
Later that night, I was sitting watching the news in front of my laptop, with webpage open to Facebook - I wasn't doing anything particular on the site until I heard the "pop" sound of a Facebook IM. It was a friend of a friend, asking me to vote for his organization on ideablob.com. I had seen something about this ideablob contest on his page before - never really checked it out - so I decided to help him out. I voted and upon reading about his organization's purpose I was inspired to help promote it somehow - so I posted the contest and his organization's link on my page. I thoughth for a bit about the great work that his organization does - and that every educator that genuinely cares about the education of our youth does. And then the fog got that much lighter.
It's my belief that I would not be much of anything in this world if not for my education. I have been blessed to receive a tremendous amount of education in a country that doesn't do too much to allow for someone in my statistical category (black, female, child of an immigrant, from a lower socioeconomic community, raised in a single parent household) to receive a quality education, much less to pursue a doctorate. But by God's grace, showered upon me through teachers I've had at every level of my educational career, I've managed to accomplish quite a bit and have been given the tools to accomplish so much more. I'm thankful for all the opportunities I've received and it was in high school that I decided that at some point in my life, I would have to do something to help others from communities like mine receive the same opportunities to a quality education. Why should one's educational options be dictated by where they live or what their parents do for a living?
And that's my longwinded way of saying that I want to work in education law. The truth: I don't even know a whole lot about education law just yet but I'm in the process of figuring it out. I also realize that going back to school may just be in order. Maybe. I haven't worked the details out yet but I know that I desire my career in the law to effect change in our country's broken educational system.
Sunday morning's sermon spoke to my quarterlife career issues. The message: before we were born, God ordained a purpose for each and every one of us. Also, He gave us the gift of free will - so it is up to us to walk on the path God has set out for us. The problem: how do we know that we are walking on His path? The solution: you have to walk in faith (generally) and that faith includes faith that you are walking in the path He set out for you. An indicator that you are pursuing the purpose God intended for you is feeling passion for what you are pursuing. (I had a total "Aha!" moment when I heard the minister say that!). Knowing your passion is helpful to knowing your purpose and for me, the key to resolving this particular quarterlife crisis.
The problem: not everyone knows their passion. Many people in the quarterlife just don't know what they're passionate about - and may feel that they aren't passionate about anything. The solution: One suggestion from this ABC News article is to consider what you'd want to do if you won the lottery and money wasn't an issue. I think that tactic could be helpful, but I'd also add that one struggling with the question of their passion should look to do things they find interesting, even if it isn't related to whatever it is they currently do to make money. An interest, if it's nurtured, could grow into a passion.
The truth: I've written all that I've written not so much because I care for you, dear reader, to know about my quarterlife crisis but because writing this has helped me sort out my path up until this point and where I need to go next. One thing I have learned just by writing this out is how different areas of my life interact in ways I could never anticipate - for example, had I not broken up with my ex-boyfriend, I would have never met my friend who helped inspire me back to writing. (We aren't romantic but with the way things happened, I couldn't have met him if I didn't break up with my ex.) You just never know how changes in one area of your life can impact the other areas.
So while I'm still very much immersed in my quarterlife crises, my career crisis at least appears to be on its way to resolution. Thank God for the changes made, the blessings bestowed and those to come. And thank you so very much for reading! (I know, I know... it was long.)
Monday, August 25, 2008
Miscellaneous musings
Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.
- Carrie Bradshaw.
It's not that I go looking for profound moments in Sex and the City episodes - particularly because I've seen them all, multiple times. But in the episode I just watched - you know the one that takes place during Fleet week, where she contemplates the number of great loves we each get - she said the above and it captured me for a moment. There's definitely truth in there - it's difficult to move on and grow as a person if you hold on to your past.
Talking about great loves: this episode always reminds me of a conversation I had with an ex-boyfriend after I told him that I wouldn't take him back (after he left me years before for a girl with a 7 month old and ran to North Carolina and had another baby with her... long story). After explaining that he wouldn't get another chance, he started to explain this concept of each person being allowed a limited number of "great loves." Apparently I was great love # 2, which meant, according to his great love paradigm, that he had one more coming. Whatever. In the episode, Charlotte tells the girls that we're all allowed two great loves - which means that Carrie used hers up! Personally, I think trying to limit the amount of great loves or any kind of life experience a person can have is bullsh*t and can lead to unnecessary frustration (though possibly effective when you're trying to make yourself feel better after being rejected. Seemed to help my ex.)
Talking about bullsh*t: Anyone who knows me really well knows that I think being "nice" is bullsh*t. By this, I don't mean that nice people are not genuine people, or that being nice means being full of sh*t - I just don't believe that being "nice" is something to think much of when it comes to the qualities that make up a person's character. ANYONE CAN BE NICE. As far as I'm concerned, the most negative people on the planet can be some of the most agreeable, amicable people - on the surface anyway. I tend to express this at times when I hear someone justify keeping company with a person who he or she KNOWS is negative by saying something to the effect of: "oh, but he's a nice person." I was out with a friend a couple of nights ago and she was telling me about a guy with whom she was planning on hanging out. She kept saying that she didn't like him that much, that she didn't get a good vibe from him - but then, "oh, he's a nice person." Is that reason enough to spend time with someone? I know for many people it is - but it's not enough for me. Give me a genuine asshole any day over someone who's nice on the outside/nasty on the inside (even though, if you give me anything, give me genuinely nice. Thanks.)
Talking about things I would like to be given: Someone needs to give me a job. Pronto. I am thankful for the period of rest I have had this month (just came back from Aruba - a relaxing experience but also was an experience that affirmed my appreciation for genuine over nice! Long story.) but I'm actually am looking forward to work - which is frustrating because I don't have a job! Ugh. The job hunt is rough but then I know it could be worse. I appreciate the experiences I've had but I'm ready for more. I have a lot to offer - way more than just a JD - but so far, no takers.
Maybe I need to focus less on what I've already done and focus more on what I have the potential to do.
- Carrie Bradshaw.
It's not that I go looking for profound moments in Sex and the City episodes - particularly because I've seen them all, multiple times. But in the episode I just watched - you know the one that takes place during Fleet week, where she contemplates the number of great loves we each get - she said the above and it captured me for a moment. There's definitely truth in there - it's difficult to move on and grow as a person if you hold on to your past.
Talking about great loves: this episode always reminds me of a conversation I had with an ex-boyfriend after I told him that I wouldn't take him back (after he left me years before for a girl with a 7 month old and ran to North Carolina and had another baby with her... long story). After explaining that he wouldn't get another chance, he started to explain this concept of each person being allowed a limited number of "great loves." Apparently I was great love # 2, which meant, according to his great love paradigm, that he had one more coming. Whatever. In the episode, Charlotte tells the girls that we're all allowed two great loves - which means that Carrie used hers up! Personally, I think trying to limit the amount of great loves or any kind of life experience a person can have is bullsh*t and can lead to unnecessary frustration (though possibly effective when you're trying to make yourself feel better after being rejected. Seemed to help my ex.)
Talking about bullsh*t: Anyone who knows me really well knows that I think being "nice" is bullsh*t. By this, I don't mean that nice people are not genuine people, or that being nice means being full of sh*t - I just don't believe that being "nice" is something to think much of when it comes to the qualities that make up a person's character. ANYONE CAN BE NICE. As far as I'm concerned, the most negative people on the planet can be some of the most agreeable, amicable people - on the surface anyway. I tend to express this at times when I hear someone justify keeping company with a person who he or she KNOWS is negative by saying something to the effect of: "oh, but he's a nice person." I was out with a friend a couple of nights ago and she was telling me about a guy with whom she was planning on hanging out. She kept saying that she didn't like him that much, that she didn't get a good vibe from him - but then, "oh, he's a nice person." Is that reason enough to spend time with someone? I know for many people it is - but it's not enough for me. Give me a genuine asshole any day over someone who's nice on the outside/nasty on the inside (even though, if you give me anything, give me genuinely nice. Thanks.)
Talking about things I would like to be given: Someone needs to give me a job. Pronto. I am thankful for the period of rest I have had this month (just came back from Aruba - a relaxing experience but also was an experience that affirmed my appreciation for genuine over nice! Long story.) but I'm actually am looking forward to work - which is frustrating because I don't have a job! Ugh. The job hunt is rough but then I know it could be worse. I appreciate the experiences I've had but I'm ready for more. I have a lot to offer - way more than just a JD - but so far, no takers.
Maybe I need to focus less on what I've already done and focus more on what I have the potential to do.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
When's my turn?
I never had a boyfriend in high school. This was mainly due to the fact that if I did my mother would have killed me or at least beat me within an inch of my life if she knew about it (she really wasn't playing when it came to me and boys!) Moms was the major main deterrent but there was also quite a bit of the feeling that no one really liked me enough to want to be my boyfriend in high school (which, looking back, is probably not true - but a lack of self esteem can seriously distort reality.)
So there I was - the only girl I knew in high school without boyfriend - and all my friends and associates had somebody at some point in time. To say I felt left out understates just how it made me feel. (It definitely reinforced my low self-esteem - especially when I saw girls who were clearly not cute but had boys after them left and right. I didn't get it. What was it about these girls that made boys drool while it seemed I could barely hold a boy's attention? Years later I learned that it was mainly about self-esteem. When my self-esteem went up, so did my # of dates!) My mother was a deterrent but I was willing to sneak around... but it really didn't happen. I wanted to be down with everyone else. All my friends had boyfriends - and all I wanted to know was when my turn to have a boyfriend would come!
One of my best friends coined this experience the "Barbie Doll Syndrome" (BDS). All little girls love Barbies - and most little girls do end up with at least one Barbie doll (or at least they did back in the '80's!). Given the popularity of Barbie dolls, to be a little girl without a Barbie doll would be difficult! All the little girls in her class have one - and they might even get together to play with their Barbies together. The girl without a Barbie can only watch and wonder what it must be like to play with one... and if the little girl had a Barbie, but she didn't have the new special Barbie that everyone else had (remember how popular Totally Hair Barbie was in the 90's?) then she too would be left out of the Barbie Doll experience.That was me in high school. Even though high school relationships came with high school drama - I didn't care - I wanted to play with a Barbie too!!
And here I am 8 years after high school, after going through my share of relationships and dates and other dealings with men. I'm much more confident than I was 8 years ago, and I don't have a mother preventing me from being in a relationship but I find myself in a similar state of mind as in high school, except that Barbie now has her own wedding gown and a huge rock on her lil plastic hand.
I cannot log onto Facebook these days without seeing some friend or associate having changed their relationship status to "Engaged" or "Married"!! It's crazy! But then again - not so much - because at 26 I'm definitely at the time of my life where more of my peers will be getting married. It's to be expected but still overwhelming. And once again I find myself asking God when my turn will come.
One difference between the high school BDS and what I'm going through now is that not everybody has that Barbie. I haven't counted but it seems to me that at least half of my friends and associates (and Facebook friends) are quite single and possibly not even dating. There's something about Facebook and Myspace and sites of the sort that distorts my perception of the flurry of marriage activity, I think. The few people who are getting married or are married now that makes it seem all the more prevalent in number than they would if there were no such sites. I think what contributes to my perception also are my close friends who are engaged and married - there has been a lot of marriage activity within my closer circle of friends. Two of my best friends are married (one successfully thus far and one not so much), another close friend will be married in a few months and another friend isn't officially engaged but the wedding is already being planned - I call her engaged to be engaged.
Another difference between the high school BDS and now is that I don't really just want any 'ol Barbie. (Preferably, I'd like it to be as as high of a quality as the quality of Barbie pictured above. Simply fabulous.) Take my two friends who are married, for instance. As previously mentioned, one is not so successfully married. If her marriage was a Barbie doll, it'd be missing the head. (Who wants to play with a headless Barbie?) And both married friends started their relationships long distance and actually ended up moving a significant distance away from their home just to be with their husbands. Not to knock those who are willing to pick up their lives and move far away for love - but I'd prefer it if the luggage my Barbie comes with is only for the honeymoon.
This is just an interesting experience for me (which is why I'm compelled to write about it). It wasn't that long ago when marriage didn't even seem like an option - but my last boyfriend changed my mind about that. When it came down to deciding whether or not to break up with him, it came down to a question of whether I saw myself marrying that man - and I definitely did not. In asking myself that question and making the decision about what I didn't want in a mate, I unexpectedly made a decision about what I did want in a husband without really even conceptualizing it that way. It occurred to me recently what the impact of my decision was and now has me looking at dating in a completely different light than I did before I met my ex. My standards have changed - they've heightened. Any ol' raggedy Barbie won't do.
And it's interesting because I don't question "if" it will happen. It's sort of how I feel about my job hunt - it's not a question of "If?" but of "When?" It's in God's hands.
So there I was - the only girl I knew in high school without boyfriend - and all my friends and associates had somebody at some point in time. To say I felt left out understates just how it made me feel. (It definitely reinforced my low self-esteem - especially when I saw girls who were clearly not cute but had boys after them left and right. I didn't get it. What was it about these girls that made boys drool while it seemed I could barely hold a boy's attention? Years later I learned that it was mainly about self-esteem. When my self-esteem went up, so did my # of dates!) My mother was a deterrent but I was willing to sneak around... but it really didn't happen. I wanted to be down with everyone else. All my friends had boyfriends - and all I wanted to know was when my turn to have a boyfriend would come!
One of my best friends coined this experience the "Barbie Doll Syndrome" (BDS). All little girls love Barbies - and most little girls do end up with at least one Barbie doll (or at least they did back in the '80's!). Given the popularity of Barbie dolls, to be a little girl without a Barbie doll would be difficult! All the little girls in her class have one - and they might even get together to play with their Barbies together. The girl without a Barbie can only watch and wonder what it must be like to play with one... and if the little girl had a Barbie, but she didn't have the new special Barbie that everyone else had (remember how popular Totally Hair Barbie was in the 90's?) then she too would be left out of the Barbie Doll experience.That was me in high school. Even though high school relationships came with high school drama - I didn't care - I wanted to play with a Barbie too!!And here I am 8 years after high school, after going through my share of relationships and dates and other dealings with men. I'm much more confident than I was 8 years ago, and I don't have a mother preventing me from being in a relationship but I find myself in a similar state of mind as in high school, except that Barbie now has her own wedding gown and a huge rock on her lil plastic hand.
I cannot log onto Facebook these days without seeing some friend or associate having changed their relationship status to "Engaged" or "Married"!! It's crazy! But then again - not so much - because at 26 I'm definitely at the time of my life where more of my peers will be getting married. It's to be expected but still overwhelming. And once again I find myself asking God when my turn will come.
One difference between the high school BDS and what I'm going through now is that not everybody has that Barbie. I haven't counted but it seems to me that at least half of my friends and associates (and Facebook friends) are quite single and possibly not even dating. There's something about Facebook and Myspace and sites of the sort that distorts my perception of the flurry of marriage activity, I think. The few people who are getting married or are married now that makes it seem all the more prevalent in number than they would if there were no such sites. I think what contributes to my perception also are my close friends who are engaged and married - there has been a lot of marriage activity within my closer circle of friends. Two of my best friends are married (one successfully thus far and one not so much), another close friend will be married in a few months and another friend isn't officially engaged but the wedding is already being planned - I call her engaged to be engaged.
Another difference between the high school BDS and now is that I don't really just want any 'ol Barbie. (Preferably, I'd like it to be as as high of a quality as the quality of Barbie pictured above. Simply fabulous.) Take my two friends who are married, for instance. As previously mentioned, one is not so successfully married. If her marriage was a Barbie doll, it'd be missing the head. (Who wants to play with a headless Barbie?) And both married friends started their relationships long distance and actually ended up moving a significant distance away from their home just to be with their husbands. Not to knock those who are willing to pick up their lives and move far away for love - but I'd prefer it if the luggage my Barbie comes with is only for the honeymoon.
This is just an interesting experience for me (which is why I'm compelled to write about it). It wasn't that long ago when marriage didn't even seem like an option - but my last boyfriend changed my mind about that. When it came down to deciding whether or not to break up with him, it came down to a question of whether I saw myself marrying that man - and I definitely did not. In asking myself that question and making the decision about what I didn't want in a mate, I unexpectedly made a decision about what I did want in a husband without really even conceptualizing it that way. It occurred to me recently what the impact of my decision was and now has me looking at dating in a completely different light than I did before I met my ex. My standards have changed - they've heightened. Any ol' raggedy Barbie won't do.
And it's interesting because I don't question "if" it will happen. It's sort of how I feel about my job hunt - it's not a question of "If?" but of "When?" It's in God's hands.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
The inaugural post.
Welcome!
So while this blog is new I'm definitely no stranger to the blogging thing. I have been keeping up a blog on Xanga for a number of years now - and I'm over it. The community is cool but the website changed a lot in the past few years and not in ways I like, so I'm moving on to what I hope are to greater things.
Things you should know about me:
So while this blog is new I'm definitely no stranger to the blogging thing. I have been keeping up a blog on Xanga for a number of years now - and I'm over it. The community is cool but the website changed a lot in the past few years and not in ways I like, so I'm moving on to what I hope are to greater things.
Things you should know about me:
- I'm a future attorney. I took the bar exam in New York a couple of weeks ago and it kicked my ass! Ass kicking aside - doesn't mean I failed it. Doesn't mean I passed it either. I get the scores in November. In the meantime I'm looking for work like so many other recent law school grads. Ugh.
- I'm an aspiring writer. I throw up random pieces of things I write on this blog: Tricia writes... I also intend on entering a MFA program in creative writing in a couple of years. Right now I'm working on building up a decent portfolio and strengthening my creative muscle, taking it one step at a time.
- I'm unemployed. I think I mentioned that already but it's worth mentioning again mainly because 1) if I was employed I don't know if I could have started this blog (because I would probably be asleep by now) and 2) as someone who has managed to work from the age of 16, it's FREAKY to me to not have a job. I even worked throughout law school. But I'm definitely on the hunt. We'll see what happens.
- I'm gonna run a marathon! Eventually. The idea of running a marathon came to me about two years ago and was quickly put to the side because I'm not athletic, never had been, and I'm no where near where I need to be physically in order to do such a thing. It just didn't seem feasible. But the idea was somewhat resurrected by this girl I met while studying for the bar exam (who incidentally was in my class in Kindergarten!). The girl from Kindergarten is an exercise enthusiast - she's super-fit and loves exercise of many kinds. We wound up having a convo about her exercise habits, in which she told me that she had been planning on running in a half-marathon. She definitely inspired me to at least get back in the gym. And then this past Monday, something in me clicked and said "You need to run in a marathon." So that's what I'm going to do. Right now I'm just working on getting myself into shape and used to running - taking it one step at a time.
- I'm single. And I'm sure I'll have much more to say about that in this blog. Men, at the moment, annoy me. But I love them anyway.
- I'm struggling with my quarter-life - but I'm on the road to salvation. This is probably what this blog will be about - along with whatever else I feel like talking about. The predicaments will be real - the names, not so much.
- The blog is called "Tricia says" because of the feedback I receive from those who know me best. I'm told that I often know just what needs to be said, when to say it and when not to. And it's usually clear that I mean what I say, say what I mean. And I look forward to sharing more of what "I say" with you. Thanks for reading.
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