Motivation.

This post is really just my way of gearing up for the re-do of the bar exam coming up in February. If you can get a lil something from what I write here, then I'm glad that I made this one public.

And in case you didn't know: I failed the exam in July. Since finding out my results, my friends, family and such have done all they could do to console me and encourage me for the next time - but I realize that the encouragement I really need is going to come from within.

It hasn't been easy since I found out I failed. Not too many tears shed but definitely questions flying around in my head about what to do differently this time, how to get it done, and, of course, whether I will fail again. I know I'm capable of passing the exam - and my score demonstrated that (got a 648 - needed a 665 to pass.) I fell short of the passing mark but not that short - and so I need to get myself to a place where I exceed 665. Overdoing it will get it done.

I've started going over my outlines of NY law and while some things are coming back to me - which is cool. But just now, as I was studying I found myself questioning whether I would be able to retain all this information by February 24 and demonstrate to the New York State Board of Law Examiners on that day, and the day after, that I am more than capable of being an attorney. So I stopped to write this post, to remind myself that

1. I know I'm capable of passing the bar exam and it's just a matter of getting it done.
2. While getting it done takes a tremendous amount of work, I survived it the first time around, and the second time around gives me the advantage of learning from past mistakes.
3. I wasn't put on the road to becoming an attorney without the ability to overcome something like having to take the exam again. Whatever is put to me to get done, I can get done.
4. God will provide the way for me to become the person I am to be in His own way and in His perfect timing.
5. No one ever said that changing the world would be easy!

Like I said already - I'm more than capable of getting this done. I just have to make it happen. Let me go see about doing that.

Some of my favorite motivating quotes:

The only thing that separates successful people from the ones who aren't is the willingness to work very, very hard.
-- Helen Gurley Brown

It is the nature of man to rise to greatness if greatness is expected of him.
-- John Steinbeck

The ways of the Lord are not comfortable, but we were not created for comfort, but for greatness, for good.
-- Pope Benedict XVI

You know what else I find motivating? Knowing that passing this exam really is just the beginning. There's more to come, God willing.

Miscellaneous musings

Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.
- Carrie Bradshaw.

It's not that I go looking for profound moments in Sex and the City episodes - particularly because I've seen them all, multiple times. But in the episode I just watched - you know the one that takes place during Fleet week, where she contemplates the number of great loves we each get - she said the above and it captured me for a moment. There's definitely truth in there - it's difficult to move on and grow as a person if you hold on to your past.

Talking about great loves: this episode always reminds me of a conversation I had with an ex-boyfriend after I told him that I wouldn't take him back (after he left me years before for a girl with a 7 month old and ran to North Carolina and had another baby with her... long story). After explaining that he wouldn't get another chance, he started to explain this concept of each person being allowed a limited number of "great loves." Apparently I was great love # 2, which meant, according to his great love paradigm, that he had one more coming. Whatever. In the episode, Charlotte tells the girls that we're all allowed two great loves - which means that Carrie used hers up! Personally, I think trying to limit the amount of great loves or any kind of life experience a person can have is bullsh*t and can lead to unnecessary frustration (though possibly effective when you're trying to make yourself feel better after being rejected. Seemed to help my ex.)

Talking about bullsh*t: Anyone who knows me really well knows that I think being "nice" is bullsh*t. By this, I don't mean that nice people are not genuine people, or that being nice means being full of sh*t - I just don't believe that being "nice" is something to think much of when it comes to the qualities that make up a person's character. ANYONE CAN BE NICE. As far as I'm concerned, the most negative people on the planet can be some of the most agreeable, amicable people - on the surface anyway. I tend to express this at times when I hear someone justify keeping company with a person who he or she KNOWS is negative by saying something to the effect of: "oh, but he's a nice person." I was out with a friend a couple of nights ago and she was telling me about a guy with whom she was planning on hanging out. She kept saying that she didn't like him that much, that she didn't get a good vibe from him - but then, "oh, he's a nice person." Is that reason enough to spend time with someone? I know for many people it is - but it's not enough for me. Give me a genuine asshole any day over someone who's nice on the outside/nasty on the inside (even though, if you give me anything, give me genuinely nice. Thanks.)

Talking about things I would like to be given: Someone needs to give me a job. Pronto. I am thankful for the period of rest I have had this month (just came back from Aruba - a relaxing experience but also was an experience that affirmed my appreciation for genuine over nice! Long story.) but I'm actually am looking forward to work - which is frustrating because I don't have a job! Ugh. The job hunt is rough but then I know it could be worse. I appreciate the experiences I've had but I'm ready for more. I have a lot to offer - way more than just a JD - but so far, no takers.

Maybe I need to focus less on what I've already done and focus more on what I have the potential to do.