Monday, August 25, 2008

Miscellaneous musings

Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.
- Carrie Bradshaw.

It's not that I go looking for profound moments in Sex and the City episodes - particularly because I've seen them all, multiple times. But in the episode I just watched - you know the one that takes place during Fleet week, where she contemplates the number of great loves we each get - she said the above and it captured me for a moment. There's definitely truth in there - it's difficult to move on and grow as a person if you hold on to your past.

Talking about great loves: this episode always reminds me of a conversation I had with an ex-boyfriend after I told him that I wouldn't take him back (after he left me years before for a girl with a 7 month old and ran to North Carolina and had another baby with her... long story). After explaining that he wouldn't get another chance, he started to explain this concept of each person being allowed a limited number of "great loves." Apparently I was great love # 2, which meant, according to his great love paradigm, that he had one more coming. Whatever. In the episode, Charlotte tells the girls that we're all allowed two great loves - which means that Carrie used hers up! Personally, I think trying to limit the amount of great loves or any kind of life experience a person can have is bullsh*t and can lead to unnecessary frustration (though possibly effective when you're trying to make yourself feel better after being rejected. Seemed to help my ex.)

Talking about bullsh*t: Anyone who knows me really well knows that I think being "nice" is bullsh*t. By this, I don't mean that nice people are not genuine people, or that being nice means being full of sh*t - I just don't believe that being "nice" is something to think much of when it comes to the qualities that make up a person's character. ANYONE CAN BE NICE. As far as I'm concerned, the most negative people on the planet can be some of the most agreeable, amicable people - on the surface anyway. I tend to express this at times when I hear someone justify keeping company with a person who he or she KNOWS is negative by saying something to the effect of: "oh, but he's a nice person." I was out with a friend a couple of nights ago and she was telling me about a guy with whom she was planning on hanging out. She kept saying that she didn't like him that much, that she didn't get a good vibe from him - but then, "oh, he's a nice person." Is that reason enough to spend time with someone? I know for many people it is - but it's not enough for me. Give me a genuine asshole any day over someone who's nice on the outside/nasty on the inside (even though, if you give me anything, give me genuinely nice. Thanks.)

Talking about things I would like to be given: Someone needs to give me a job. Pronto. I am thankful for the period of rest I have had this month (just came back from Aruba - a relaxing experience but also was an experience that affirmed my appreciation for genuine over nice! Long story.) but I'm actually am looking forward to work - which is frustrating because I don't have a job! Ugh. The job hunt is rough but then I know it could be worse. I appreciate the experiences I've had but I'm ready for more. I have a lot to offer - way more than just a JD - but so far, no takers.

Maybe I need to focus less on what I've already done and focus more on what I have the potential to do.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

When's my turn?

I never had a boyfriend in high school. This was mainly due to the fact that if I did my mother would have killed me or at least beat me within an inch of my life if she knew about it (she really wasn't playing when it came to me and boys!) Moms was the major main deterrent but there was also quite a bit of the feeling that no one really liked me enough to want to be my boyfriend in high school (which, looking back, is probably not true - but a lack of self esteem can seriously distort reality.)

So there I was - the only girl I knew in high school without boyfriend - and all my friends and associates had somebody at some point in time. To say I felt left out understates just how it made me feel. (It definitely reinforced my low self-esteem - especially when I saw girls who were clearly not cute but had boys after them left and right. I didn't get it. What was it about these girls that made boys drool while it seemed I could barely hold a boy's attention? Years later I learned that it was mainly about self-esteem. When my self-esteem went up, so did my # of dates!) My mother was a deterrent but I was willing to sneak around... but it really didn't happen. I wanted to be down with everyone else. All my friends had boyfriends - and all I wanted to know was when my turn to have a boyfriend would come!

One of my best friends coined this experience the "Barbie Doll Syndrome" (BDS). All little girls love Barbies - and most little girls do end up with at least one Barbie doll (or at least they did back in the '80's!). Given the popularity of Barbie dolls, to be a little girl without a Barbie doll would be difficult! All the little girls in her class have one - and they might even get together to play with their Barbies together. The girl without a Barbie can only watch and wonder what it must be like to play with one... and if the little girl had a Barbie, but she didn't have the new special Barbie that everyone else had (remember how popular Totally Hair Barbie was in the 90's?) then she too would be left out of the Barbie Doll experience.That was me in high school. Even though high school relationships came with high school drama - I didn't care - I wanted to play with a Barbie too!!

And here I am 8 years after high school, after going through my share of relationships and dates and other dealings with men. I'm much more confident than I was 8 years ago, and I don't have a mother preventing me from being in a relationship but I find myself in a similar state of mind as in high school, except that Barbie now has her own wedding gown and a huge rock on her lil plastic hand.

I cannot log onto Facebook these days without seeing some friend or associate having changed their relationship status to "Engaged" or "Married"!! It's crazy! But then again - not so much - because at 26 I'm definitely at the time of my life where more of my peers will be getting married. It's to be expected but still overwhelming. And once again I find myself asking God when my turn will come.

One difference between the high school BDS and what I'm going through now is that not everybody has that Barbie. I haven't counted but it seems to me that at least half of my friends and associates (and Facebook friends) are quite single and possibly not even dating. There's something about Facebook and Myspace and sites of the sort that distorts my perception of the flurry of marriage activity, I think. The few people who are getting married or are married now that makes it seem all the more prevalent in number than they would if there were no such sites. I think what contributes to my perception also are my close friends who are engaged and married - there has been a lot of marriage activity within my closer circle of friends. Two of my best friends are married (one successfully thus far and one not so much), another close friend will be married in a few months and another friend isn't officially engaged but the wedding is already being planned - I call her engaged to be engaged.

Another difference between the high school BDS and now is that I don't really just want any 'ol Barbie. (Preferably, I'd like it to be as as high of a quality as the quality of Barbie pictured above. Simply fabulous.) Take my two friends who are married, for instance. As previously mentioned, one is not so successfully married. If her marriage was a Barbie doll, it'd be missing the head. (Who wants to play with a headless Barbie?) And both married friends started their relationships long distance and actually ended up moving a significant distance away from their home just to be with their husbands. Not to knock those who are willing to pick up their lives and move far away for love - but I'd prefer it if the luggage my Barbie comes with is only for the honeymoon.

This is just an interesting experience for me (which is why I'm compelled to write about it). It wasn't that long ago when marriage didn't even seem like an option - but my last boyfriend changed my mind about that. When it came down to deciding whether or not to break up with him, it came down to a question of whether I saw myself marrying that man - and I definitely did not. In asking myself that question and making the decision about what I didn't want in a mate, I unexpectedly made a decision about what I did want in a husband without really even conceptualizing it that way. It occurred to me recently what the impact of my decision was and now has me looking at dating in a completely different light than I did before I met my ex. My standards have changed - they've heightened. Any ol' raggedy Barbie won't do.

And it's interesting because I don't question "if" it will happen. It's sort of how I feel about my job hunt - it's not a question of "If?" but of "When?" It's in God's hands.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The inaugural post.


So while this blog is new I'm definitely no stranger to the blogging thing. I have been keeping up a blog on Xanga for a number of years now - and I'm over it. The community is cool but the website changed a lot in the past few years and not in ways I like, so I'm moving on to what I hope are to greater things.

Things you should know about me:
  • I'm a future attorney. I took the bar exam in New York a couple of weeks ago and it kicked my ass! Ass kicking aside - doesn't mean I failed it. Doesn't mean I passed it either. I get the scores in November. In the meantime I'm looking for work like so many other recent law school grads. Ugh.
  • I'm an aspiring writer. I throw up random pieces of things I write on this blog: Tricia writes... I also intend on entering a MFA program in creative writing in a couple of years. Right now I'm working on building up a decent portfolio and strengthening my creative muscle, taking it one step at a time.
  • I'm unemployed. I think I mentioned that already but it's worth mentioning again mainly because 1) if I was employed I don't know if I could have started this blog (because I would probably be asleep by now) and 2) as someone who has managed to work from the age of 16, it's FREAKY to me to not have a job. I even worked throughout law school. But I'm definitely on the hunt. We'll see what happens.
  • I'm gonna run a marathon! Eventually. The idea of running a marathon came to me about two years ago and was quickly put to the side because I'm not athletic, never had been, and I'm no where near where I need to be physically in order to do such a thing. It just didn't seem feasible. But the idea was somewhat resurrected by this girl I met while studying for the bar exam (who incidentally was in my class in Kindergarten!). The girl from Kindergarten is an exercise enthusiast - she's super-fit and loves exercise of many kinds. We wound up having a convo about her exercise habits, in which she told me that she had been planning on running in a half-marathon. She definitely inspired me to at least get back in the gym. And then this past Monday, something in me clicked and said "You need to run in a marathon." So that's what I'm going to do. Right now I'm just working on getting myself into shape and used to running - taking it one step at a time.
  • I'm single. And I'm sure I'll have much more to say about that in this blog. Men, at the moment, annoy me. But I love them anyway.
  • I'm struggling with my quarter-life - but I'm on the road to salvation. This is probably what this blog will be about - along with whatever else I feel like talking about. The predicaments will be real - the names, not so much.
  • The blog is called "Tricia says" because of the feedback I receive from those who know me best. I'm told that I often know just what needs to be said, when to say it and when not to. And it's usually clear that I mean what I say, say what I mean. And I look forward to sharing more of what "I say" with you. Thanks for reading.